for teenagers, and those who know teen ages never end.

art is not videogames

you get banned for hacking in game, because why? it ruins the fun for others, they are competing to get points and capture the objective, or just to show off their skills, when someone hacks they make competing honestly feel pointless. none of the reasons why hacking in games is bad apply to making art. with art, the pleasure comes from the completed product, how pretty and emotional it is, not the process of making the art. the processs of winning the videogame is what is important. the end result in art is all that is important. therefore it is ok to hack when making art.

i like to think, what if someday i learn to love life and then i get lung cancer because I started smoking when I didn't care if I lived or died.. i think that would be funny. a trick on my future self. my entire life there's been a disconnect between me and my future self, in my head. i'll screw her over some how, and she has no way of getting me back. with this ethos, i'd skip my homework, refuse to learn any skills, not to invest my money, listen to earape, sit too close to the tv. now i've reaped the accumalitive punishments from that brat, but i'm not mad at her,. it comforts me actually.

ive reaped the collective gifts that brat sent me, but it doesn't upset me. it comforts me in a way, actually. and i continue on in the way she did anyway, so it would be hippocritical of me if I was. not that i'm afraid of being a hippocrit, thats one of my charm points. i attribute the disconnect to low iq, which is another of my charm points. that's what keeps me from remembering mistakes i've made, so i get to make them all over again. it also keeps me from remembering specific examples of what mistakes they are that i always make. i don't think i actually used to be stupid, it came from hitting my head really hard. there's a funny feeling you get from a mild concussion, a bit like a high, but i don't do it anymore because it's scary and it succeeded in getting rid of my negative thoughts anyway. after succeeding in nerfing my intelligence, i found that my preferences shifted from small breasts to large breasts, which was a wound on my pride, but i've come to accept it now. i started watching lots of ecchi around this timetoo, although all this you could attribute to the latter stages of my puberty. the nice thing about ecchi is that it fullfills you with a mild arousal, which lasts for a long time in contrast to porn which is a strong arousal for a short time. when you watch ecchi you have a longlasting glow of purpose and meaning, which only christians have otherwise. it was after learning the appeal of ecchi that i came to the revelation that there is an inverse relationship between being a coomer and how much you jack off. a normal healthy boy does it once a day or so, and a coomer probably over 3 times a day, but the greatest coomers in this world either never masturbate, or when they do refuse to progress to the finish state. in this way they keep themselves in an everlasting bubble of eroticism, and i changed my opinion on monks and priests. of course these days were in the flower of youth, and i am now wilting. i rarely masturbate, and when i do it gives me no pleasure. the end game of a coomer seems to be anhedonia, and i have reached this quiet, peaceful but sad section of life. eating and drinking to survive, surviving for no reason other than to survive, out of laziness. with those highs of emotions come also the lows, so in a sense i'm the happiest i've ever been, on a graph of happiness the up and down spikes have mellowed out into an unwavering line. every friend group i've been in has exploded. More accurately I had to leave. Sometimes it was my fault, but it always came to be a place I couldn't belong.

it was actually from a very young age i decided i would never be romantically involved. that was because i have this kind of growth on the inside of my mouth, a bit like a blister that i can feel with my tongue, and i didn't ever want to be kissing someone and for them to feel it for themselves, so i at least knew i would never be kissing. it might be that thought that put relationships in the part of my mind one puts bank robberies, interviews, #1 medals.

the world is decay. see everything rot, wane, fade. like an afterimage in the eye of an epileptic.

whatever you do, don't kill yourself!!!! i did that and it just makes everything worse...

my very first encounter with anime was sailor moon. my sister was a big fan when she was around 12, and when I was around 7 years old!, and she would stream the episodes on a laptop and i remember being so captivated by the trans formation scenes, the rainbow effect was hypnotic and im sure it heavily affected my cognition of reality forever after! for that reason magical girl means alot to me, even if it would take me many years after those days to return to the genre. magical girls are truly magical, that is the aspect which sadly is lost on an adult mind, but only through memory can we understand the true magic of watching magical girl anime, those early days of life where the distinction between drawings and real life aren't so clear, and the virgin world is a youthfull surpring place of wonder!, this is where the magical girl has its magical effect on the hearts of young children, and brightens the world in the sparkling eye of the beholder, emboldening the ideals of justice, truth and beauty in the magical mind of. in this, the adult mind can once more experience those days of rose and imagine a world that ill captives and healing something. magical girl. flashing happy.

Hey you know, you know what my favorite year is? 2012. I just love that number, I don't know why. It's just so wonderful, something about it. It's nostalgic, but there's more to it. I- I don't know. I can't tell you why but I just love it. I uncontrollably smile just talking about it. It's wonderful. Do you have anything like that? A favorite whatever, that you can't explain? Or a favorite year?

-...No, I don't think so.

-There's something nostalgic about snow. I think it's, it's a few things, but one thing- There was a map, a level for counterstrike that had snow, and it was a european style village at night, and everything was covered in snow, and there was a house that when you got close you could hear christmas music playing from inside, in you know very low bit rate, and there was ambient sound on the map, and the graphics were obviosuly low fidelity, but it had obviously so much care put into it's design, it ended up creating a wonderful atmosphere, and I would play the map late at night, on this lowly populated server with just a few players, I think I would micspam music from the silent hill 2 soundtrack, and we would just hang out, I didn't knoww anyone and I don't think they did either, but we were just together for this night and I think that's where it's from, this sense I get now everytime winter comes along, the loneliness. I mean, after however long one by one we left, leaving the map empty and none of us would ever see eachother again, or if we did we wouldn't know it, and that was that. So i remember those guys that I played with everytime it starts snowing, and I remember the black sky with the low resolution snow flakes falling gently, and the crunching sfx as I ran around, and the house with it's curtains drawn where you could see a sliver of a .gif fireplace flickering, and the muffled sounds of old music, and it makes me feel a warm kind of loneliness, to know that I was one of those few that night. Just us, something for us to remember. So I get a bit sad around this time of year. Because I'll never be there again. There's no re-living. So it's a kind of grief.

happiness is a spectre that eludes capture always.chasing happiness only pronounces your lack of it. reject happiness and make a friend of despair. Getting Along with Hopelessness. live happily is what draws your hand towards a heroin needle, towards addictive food. happiness is a snare. the bear who steps his paw in the bear-trap does so in the name of living happily. the greatest trick happiness ever pulled was convincing the world that he exists. the longer you reject despair the longer it will hurt you.

That ephemeral being called NEET.

A delicate, fleeting life. Resigned to memory, the light on a butterfly's wing.

Dull skies...

The sky is full of bubbles. I should say my sky. Probably no one else has a sky quite like mine. I can say that, if nothing else. That doesn't help me much, but... I don't know.

I don't have to mind. I don't have to accept it either. It's going to stay the same, no matter what I feel. So there's no point in feeling any way about it. It's just a bore. It's ridiculously dull. It's nothing to care about. Take things lightly. That's what I say. It's not about what's just, or fair. Those things don't exist in the world, so if I'm going to be walking, I don't need that extra weight. No one does.

The world isn't a happy place, and the people in it can't just be happy. Telling them they can. or should, is hubris. Like experienced artists telling beginners to "Just draw!". It's almost cruel. There's no guarantee that you'll get what you want come time. You can live your whole life recieving nothing, while the lottery winners glance back, yapping "Just keep trying!" as they go on their way. There are no guarantees for the future but... It's always, always, at least true that: "Your ticket to the future is always blank." Neither good nor bad. Blank.

I'm sick of telling myself to be happy. Of being afraid of sadness. Sadness isn't the enemy, happiness is. Happiness will visit you for a one night stand and then be gone the next morning. Happiness doesn't care about you, it just takes without giving back. All happiness does is make the rest of life hurt even more. Sadness is always there for you. I don't need this life to be a festival, spending life looking for that would be missing what it actually is.

But those are just empty words. If people could just "Make a friend of sadness" there would be no problems. What reason in there to go on living in this dull, tragic world. I can't see any. Life is unjustifiable. If there's light, it's behind the horizon. Maybe that's the only reasonn there is. There- Right there's our brighter day, just behind that hill. That's the thing in every heart that lets it keep beating. That thing behind the hill.

It's good I didn't go out wearing a jacket, it's sizzlingly hot. I feel like I can see the concrete melting. And the end of the road is wobbling like it's the ocean. If only there were some cicadas here, and skyscrapers that could sink under the ground, and angels attacking the earth, and I had a casette player with classical music on it. Hm. My eyes are really not up for the job anymore. Thank god for sunglasses. I love sunglasses, the world's a better place when you're wearing shades.

with ringing in their ears and bubbles in their eyes still something quivers, inextinguishably; that thing called hope.

>Coffee >Tea

r-You're really gonna take her side?!
a-Face it, this is a house of class and taste. You're really the odd one out here.

a-You've fallen for the acidic jew aswell?!
r-Face it, no one cares about your folded-over 9000 times tea leaves.
a-You know where coffee comes from right? From fucking Arabia. North Africa. ISRAEL! You some fucking Nigger-Jew Muslim? You gonna stop what you're doing to kneel down with your ass up facing east while you get cucked by some guy to the west?
r-The hell are you talking about? Your drinking water steeped in literal pebbles and dirt and random bushes, are you retarded? You only drink tea for the caffeine anyway, you're basically getting cucked for not just drinking the actual thing caffeien's named after
a-That's all you sheeple can think about, the caffenated jew. You worker drones can't imagine doing anything that doesn't just increase productivity. You know that's why they don't give out tea at work sights right? Coffee's the opiate for you Jew-enslaved nigger cattle.
r-Maybe if you drank coffee you'd do something other than sit on your ass all day. You sure feel secure talking down to people for a disgusting NEET. And besides, what were your chinamen doing all that time they were having autistic tea parties?
when they were drinking coffee in the middle east they were the height of human civilization, everyone had harems and were inventing sick potions and shit, then when america got it we invented the atom bomb and BTFOd your precious bug-men.
a-Look at you getting all worked up. You coffee-drinkers, always anxious, dehydrated, waiting for your next fix. Us tea drinkers know how to take it easy, I'm proud to stand next to the great zen-philosiphers, noble aristocrats and tea-party having little girls. When you look at your allies, you see soy-drinking hipster baristas on one side, and barbarian terrorists on the other. Of course you could never be at peace with the world.
r-You're right, you are relaxed. So relaxed you didn't notice me spit a huge phlegm ball in that cup.

r-Christ, what's with her? I don't even dislike tea, but she makes everything into some battle. Well, I'm partly to blame.
b-You're the one who started it.
s-Isn't coffee just a kind of tea anyway?
r-What? How does that make any sense? Tea is made from tea leaves. Coffee's made from coffee.
s-Chamomile tea is just daisys in hot water, ginger tea is ginger. Tea is just whenever you put something in hot water. That makes coffee a kind of tea aswell.
r-That's stupid. Thats like some stupid water is wet semantics argument, they're clearly different.
s-Categories are what's stupid, categorizing things just limits your view of the world, you're erecting meaningless barriers between things. You'll never get a view of the whole picture with that state of mind.
r-Okay, Then next time you ask me for something to drink I'll bring you a remote control, I'm sure you'll love living without categories.

a-H-Hey, Evi, that was just a joke right? About you spitting in my drink?
r-*AChew!* Sorry, I have a bit of a cold and there were no tissues near me.

s-I don't believe I've ever asked you for a drink before
r-Listen, leave your postmodern, deconstructivist poison at the door. You know, there are some ideas so stupid only intellectuals believe them. That's from george orwell.
s-Did you read that in grade school?
r-No! I saw it in an anime!
s-You mean you heard it in an anime.
r-Same difference.
b-Well, she probably read it, technically. You know, subtitles...
s-I watch dubbed.
r-I'm sorry, I think I misheard you.
s-If I wanted to read I'd pick up a book.
r-Oh, alright, I just didn't think I was sitting next to a casual, that's all.
s-Film is meant to be watched, instead your eyes are glued to the bottom part of the screen for half the runtime. I don't give a hoot about the uguu kawaii seiyuus, I'm there to actually look at the animation.
r-Sounds to me like you just can't read fast enough.
s-You know, if you knew the first thing about film, or art, you'd know it's all about where you're guiding the viewers eye. The director had some rythm that your eyes were meant to be moving with, but instead yours are constantly darting back and forth between the bottom of the screen, and wherever the focus of the shot is.
r-Listen, I'm sorry your eyes get tired so easily, but my ears can't handle those western roasties and hamplants attempt to do what the Japanese voice actresses can do so effortlessly, that is exude any amount of femininity.
s-I just care about the visuals.
r-I do like the cowboy bebop dub though, I'm not a purist or anything.
a-The japanese dub is better.
r-Meh, they're pretty much the same. I like the american spike.
a-No western encroachment into anime is acceptable. Anime must remain pure, uncontaminated by the cheeseburger-ZOG-war machine.
r-Tell that to Tezuka, anime is just just ripped off disney you know.
a-America was different back then, it's not the same.

r-You know, if the US wants to do something about the war on terror
they should start with this nation's HAUNTED HOUSES!
b-Haha, hey, I've got a joke, you wanna hear?
b-There's two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort,
a-Oh, I know this one
b-And one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions."
a-That's a good one
r-I don't get it.
a-I came up with a joke once, but they just laughed at me

s- Oh god that reminds of a story my uncle told me about his friend.
a- What?
s- Ok, strap in. My uncle's friend was in his last year of high school, his name's *** and he was going out with this girl uhhhh... Mia I think. Italian girl, they were in this long-term relationship, and had plans to go to the same college and live together but like literally the day of graduation he was in this accident and went into a coma
r- This sounds fake
s- I thought he was lying to me, like it sounds like a soap opera but I met the guy and it's real, he was under for a year and a half, but he managed to pretty much fully recover eventually. He woke up and all his family came to visit the day after, but Mia didn't. He asked his family to contact her to let him know, and she ended up visiting about a week later, but this is the fucked up part. He hears the door open to his hospital room, turns his head and there's a woman holding a baby.
r-I wish I had a pipe to smoke right now
s- It was mia and she had shacked up with some other guy. Literally like a soap opera.
r-Fuck man...
a- Can't trust 3DPD
s- And you know what he did? He sat up, looked at her with his eyes wide open and said
s- Mama Mia!!

8 PM.

*s has a big anime-style bruise on her head*
r- I'm going out to smoke, you gonna come?
b- Yeah, sure. Hey, how about you?


r- Alright, see you in a bit guys.
r- The leaves have all gone now.
b- Time to break out the snow tires soon.
r- *exhales*
r- How's your Kaznysky Shack comin along?
b- I'm happy with it, the internet is still pretty iffy, when it comes to consistency but when it is stable it's a pretty good speed actually. Better than in some cities, and cheaper.


r- This is the best time of year. This brief moment before winter, where the last few leaves are still hanging on to the trees, waiting for a breeze just strong enough to set them going. I always get nostalgic around this time. Heh, in a way though, at this point I'm nostalgic about feeling nostalgic, the memories that come to mind are of me standing around outside, reminiscing about standing around outside. I don't know what it was I got nostalgic over that started this loop, if there even was something... I guess it's just the air...
b- I know what you mean. I think there's something nostalgic about every season, especially at the point where one changes to the other. Like, the smell of early spring flowers, or midsummer concrete, every time of year has it's character. Winter is definitely comfiest though.
r- Winter, eech. Snow tires soon.
b- Not my problem, I take the train to work, and everyone knows winter train stations are peak comfy. The blushing faces of the sleeping bums, the frozen over puddles of dog-piss.
r- I'm not anti-winter persay, to protect yourself all you need is to dress warm, so it's better than summer in that regard. But snow is just a pain, once it loses it's novelty.
b- How much longer are you going to stick with your job? It can't be good staying there with the it brings.
r- I'll quit sometime soon. In saying that, There's nothing keeping me there, I have enough money to live while I look for something, I could quit right now... But I just don't know what to do next.
b- I know the feeling of hesitation from when I quit my last job a few years ago. It paid just good enough, the routine was just easy enough, I was stuck in a habit, but it's like ripping a band-aid off, that constant dread doesn't build up enough to get you to quit, just enough to make life suck, but one morning I just stopped on the street, turned around and walked back home. Didn't call the manager, or send a notice, that formality was probably what was making me postpone quitting, but, well, I guess you would have to send in a notice.
r- If I want a chance of ever getting another job, I'd say so. Well, maybe that wouldn't be so bad actually.
b- Work isn't that bad, you know- most jobs don't give you nightmares about children getting drone-striked. You'll find something better. I did, and I was working minimum wage, without a highschool degree. just gotta bite the bullet.
r- I'll do it, it's just...
b- Oh, there goes a couple more. Maybe those were the last ones.
r- Hm. I guess I'm just waiting for a breeze to get me going.
r- Let's go in, it's getting kinda cold.
b- a might be getting drunk already.

r- Alright, see you in a bit guys.
a- And stay gone. You know, I was totally convinced you were telling the truth ***. That kind of behavior is just typical of 3D women.
s- It's been known to happen.
a- Sure, you see stuff like that sometimes in 2D, that's why there's the phrase 2DPD. But in 2D it's a rarity, in 3D it's pretty much damn assured. Of course there's a thousand other reasons why 2D girls are better. 2D everything is better, for that matter.
n- Of course when I come back you're in the middle of a Waifuism conversation.
s- It's good to see you again.
a- Hey, welcome back. What have you been up to?
n- I'm just about finished moving now, just have to put the place together. It was a real pain, so I'm glad to get it over with. What are we having tonight?
a- Oh, I'll go find something.
s- Water.
n- Yeah, I know what you're having. Are you guys the only ones here?
s- B and Evy are outside.
n- That's good to know, has Lili come around lately?
a- Yeah she showed up a couple weeks ago, she seems really busy in general though. She was complaining a lot about work, and family stuff.
n- That seems like a trend lately. Well, it always gets a bit slower at certain times of year, it's sure to pick up again.
a- It's been comfy enough. When we meet for christmas it'll be like old times again.
n- Aha, those 7 person screaming matches make for good memories, but I don't mind these more mellow nights either.
s- Just earlier, her and Evy were at each-other's throats over coffee vs tea.
n- Haha, I thought they settled that old thing.
a- It'll be settled when she just admits she's wrong.
n- Woah, where'd you get this?
a- Old guy at that eastern-store gave me a discount, said no-one was buying it. I had asked about it, and he must have seen that I was a true aesthete when it comes to Japanese culture.
n- A true wapanese. Well, here's to the old guy, who's name you don't know.
a- *makes a funny face while drinking*
n- Pfft. That's still the same.
a- W-what? That's how you're meant to react. It's a strong drink.
n- You want to water it down a bit?
a- I-I would never, I'm perfectly capable of enjoying it as intended.
n- You sure you don't want any sooosie? Nothing makes you into a party-idiot like achohol, and you know girls are cutest when they're almost retarded.
s- Ehh, I'm fine really. Thanks.
a- Would you like a glass?
n- Wah, you can take it pretty well. Much better than some people.
a- Mmm, tha-That's right. Much better than a-a lot of people can.
n- She really doesn't know who I'm refering to, does she.

n- Bah, young people now.
a- Not everyone's tasteful enough to enjoy high-quality Japane-... Japanese... Alcohols.
n- Yeah, not everyone.
a- I know what that look's meant to mean.
n- Do ya? *smug*
a- *flushed and grumpy*

*evy and b enter*
a- Coffee-girl! High-boots!
r- Hi N
b- Hey N
n- Hi guys
a- Drink.
b- It's sure looking lively now.
a- You call this lively? You wouldn't know lively from deadly! I'll show you lively!
r- Eugh, I'm not drinking this, is there anything else?
a- You drink it or it'll be the sake drinking you!
r- I don't think there's anyone less funny than a when she's drunk. Or when she's not drunk for that matter.
a- I'd make you drink those words, but there's more important things at hand now. Let the night officially begin!


b- You know, there's something really charming about the engrish parts of Jpop songs.
n- I know what you mean. It's like, almost complete nonsense, but it's fun.
b- I wonder if the japanese feel that way when we say stuff like "Moshi moshi desu, kawaii sugoi!".
n- Heh, maybe yeah.


My love is not illusory.

Hey! My mistresses eyes are NOTHING like the sun! They're deep and blue, like the ocean, and they've got little pictures of me in them, like the ocean.

-I wish I had a mistress
-You're reflection?

-I wish I had a maid. Though even if I did, she would probably be wearing a T-shirt and sweatpants... "True Maids" are a thing resigned to the past, and 2D, just a fantasy.
-That's right. You know "Eyes are the window to the soul"? That's only half true. The eyes are the windows that are the reflection of the soul which is the eye itself. It's circular, that's why the pupils are circles. Well, of course what they really are are just eyes, just that.

-There are maid cafes, if you can stomach the 2.5D. Eyes are infinity. The eyes are the window to the soul only in that they reflect your own soul, the only soul that exists. The soul is reflected illimitably off every surface, unrefracted and endlessly sharp. The eye reflect the eye, the soul reflects the soul. To know yourself is to know the other, to see is to be seen, it's endless because it's recursive, it's been done and will be done. There are no higher or lower dimensions of being, all is mirrored, and so all is one, and there is nothing un-singular, just as there is nothing singular. it's in-finite, such that it's limit is unshatterable, it's limit is itself, and it is limitless. Time is not real, reality is not true, truth must be independent, so there is no truth, and time is reality. Time is not real, so reality is not real, so truth is not real, so it all becomes true, out of necesitty. Everything must be reversed, that's what it means to be mirrored.

-They're just actors, there's really nothing maid-like about them. Do they take training in becoming a maid? No, they just look the part. I won't endorse that mimicry, it disrespects maid heritage.
-Anyway, a dame's eyes ought to be like the ocean. That, or black-eyed virgins whose skin is so delicate and bright that it causes confusion. Eyes are actually a liquid you know?

-its 100% more efficient, you're literally doubling the amount of life you get to live
-first of all: that math doesn't work out, second of all i wouldn't even want half a life if it meant watching all my anime at times two speed. you're not even going to properly enjoy the experience, so what's the point?
-it's so that i can join in on all the threads, that's the point -say one full sentence in japanese that isn't "good morning" or "i'm home."
-oh, first it's just one sentence, after that its a full conversation- pretty soon you'll be asking me to write out an entire dictionary. when will you be happy?! where will the buck stop with your "needing evidence"?!
-you're an idiot. what's the point of pretending all the time? it's more fun to just be yourself.
what's the point of being honest? it's just a bother

When you're uncircumsized, the world is your onahole!

my langauge isn't working properly/

i love you everything

your truth is delusion, your justice is corrupt, and what the hell do you know about beauty? just look at yourself. go on, say your catchfrase again.

Live is short, I know. In itself, a good reason not to hurry.

this is a crime againt humanity- worse: its a crime againt me!

people who all the trait of "virgin", and are all unhappy. you can say it's unrelated, you don't need someone named occam to tell you it seems straight forward

i hate this world. good things only happen so they can get rubbed into your wounds at a later date

it's more socially acceptable to hate humananity as a whole than one race in particular. an anti-semite is a monster, but an anti-natalist is pessimistic, but innocent.

jump so high...


that girl...

>hey buddy, do you have the time?

>haha. yeah, it's just about...quarter to 4.

>thank you sir.

the time? huh, that really is what she's doing.

>oh, there's mr ****.

>oh there they come to take her away.

moving on is good, if thats what feels right, but that's not the problem here is it? you're using it as an excuse.

is this what modern discourse is reduced to? stupid brisk catchfrases without any attempt to explain oneself? sigh... i should use the internet less

there are times you have to smile to be happy.

more talking doesn't make up for talking.

you can't fix langauge by escalating.

the problem with visual novels is that they aren't games, they're just reading. you need something to make it game-like, for instance, danganronpa you have to answer questions, so it's a quiz game. there needs to be some twist to the core mechanics to give it pop-appeal. how about, you add a rythm game element, and the player has to click the dialoge to the beat of the music? - that just sounds annoying what if the dialouge is delivered through the headphones, and the screen shows a staff sheet of the soundtrack? - only losers who took music classes would be able to understand it. how about the player writes the story, and you let him draw the pictures, and design the music himself? - that's not a game, that's just a gamemaker! how about you write the dialogue backwards, and the player has to hold up a mirror to the screen to read? - that might be ok for a riddle or something, but that kind of novelty only works for kids. besides, how do you hold a mirror to your computer screen?

listen, all these ideas would only exist to piss the player off and make them uninstall the game. the point is to find something that would be actually fun. (how about we write the dialogue is some other language, and the player has to use a foreign dictionary to understand it?) - that's just 99% of japanese visual novels.

listen, we're really scraping the bottom of the barrel here. if you don't have a good idea, just don't say anything

wait, what if we give the player like, 50 choices for every bit of dialogue, so the odds are really high that the player can choose the option he's really thinking! - it would take way too long to write unique responses for every choice... >this bit isn't funny >who cares >can this be over with already >that sounds retarded >that sounds ok >that sounds really cool actually

you know, people will call me insane if they see me talking to myself but writer's are just talking to themselves, and books are just the crazy self-conversations of someone who can't keep things to themself. you mean they can keep things to themselves, if they're conversation between himself. well, i mean that he publishess the book. someone who has too much to say, anyway.

crying feels good, doesn't it? it washes all your pent up feelings, of tension, of consternation. so tell me, do you think you deserve to cry? Do you deserve to feel catharsis after what you've done? Now it's time for you to be pitied, right? Forgiven?

my love is not illusory

-I can't read, my eyes just slide across the words without taking anything in. My mind's just too busy.
That's your personality is getting in the way. To read is to pay attention, and to pay attention is to put yourself in that other person's place, to have their thoughts become your own. If your own brain is chattering or conjuring distracting images, it's because it can't get over itself. That's what I think.
-So how do you do that?
Just try and pay attention is all. And you know, to pay attention is really to love. It's the greatest act of love there is. You're giving up your own self just for someone else. I think that's wonderful, but it means you have to be careful who you pay attention to, or else you'll end up like some korean prostitute telling all the soldiers "Me ruv you wrong time!". Do you want aids? Because that's how you get aids, but worse than aids, because they're in your brain instead of your genitals. Know what I'm saying?
-Yeah, but it's not like you can tell whether something's worth paying attention to until you do it. That's when you have to judge the book by it's cover. If it has an anime girl on the front, you're all set.
-If I remember right, they say never to do that. If that advice was followed nobody would've ever played Senran Kagura. Is that the kind of world you want to live in?
Then throw all your sayings out the window, they're for the birds!
-THen you'll have to throw "for the birds" out too. Alright, I'll try your advice out, thanks.

The fact that you get that feeling from anime... Doesn't that just prove it's all fake anyway? I mean, isn't it just as delusional to feel good from making friends as it is to self insert into stories? It's just a feeling that comes to you due to outside stimulous, if you were really seeing the truth you wouldn't have any feelings at all. It's all just make-believe.

oh no!!! the shoes didn't fit the baby???
-No! The baby died!
Oh no!!! That's so sad!!!

What's this sock doing here?
Oh... You... You really like socks, don't you?
-That's not- I had a cold! I had a cold and I just used that to blow my nose, so don't touch it.
Mm. I see... So that's why it's kinda crusty.
-Please... Put it down.
It's not a big deal, I use my t-shirt to blow my nose when I'm feeling really sick. Tissue paper always irritates my nose for some reason. Do you want me to take it to the washing machine, or are you still using it?

cut it out with the whataboutism
-I'm a whataboutist!

have you ever had pins and needles in your testicles?
-you mean like bdsm?
no, like that tingly numbness.
it really sucks
it's weird.

my contradictions will never be resolved. that's my salvation.

Are you a 13 year old girl in the early to mid 2000's? Are you a Gainax and or Hideaki Anno fanboy? Are you hispanic? If you're not, then you just may be ignorant to the best anime ever Kare Kano, or Kareshi Kanojo no Jijou, or His and Her circumstances, or Boyfriend and girlfriend situation.

His and Her circumstances stars His(Arima) and Her(Yukino) and is about their circumstances, from strangers to friends to lovers you see them overcome the obstacles in the way of their relationship's development one by one before a backdrop of 4th wall shattering gags, insane visual metaphors and dramatic tone shifts. It could probably be overstated how playful KareKano is with it's visuals, and how much that intensifies the humor of some scenes and the drama of others, but it would be pretty difficult as kare kano may just be the most "Anime" anime I've seen, as it takes every cliche and blows it up to skyscraper heights.

-im scared of human beings. everything about them, pretty much. im scared of what they think of me. i don't want them to hurt me. i prefer not to be looked at, i feel safe ignored. when i'm in a crowd, I can't help but think such vicious thoughts, but that's not really me. i don't hate them. i just want them to be away from me. for both our sakes.
-you're human.
-i know.
-so what's the problem?
-just because a note sounds doesn't mean it's in tune
-so you're an out of tune human.
-i feel out of key with the world. that's why i escape. into thoughts, into games, film. other worlds.
-into dreams
-but they're not other worlds
why not?
-those are all inside the world. they're not outside it.
-hey, if you are out of key, it'd be because you're flat
-you're hilarious


-I'm scared of human beings. Everything about them, pretty much. I'm scared of what they think of me. I don't want them to hurt me. I prefer not to be looked at, I feel safer that way. When I'm in a crowd I can't help but think such vicious thoughts, but that's not the real me. I don't hate people, I just can't be with them.
-You're human.
-I know.
-So what's the problem?
-Just because a note sounds doesn't mean it's in tune.
-So you're an out of tune human.
-I feel out of key with the world. That's why I escape. Into my thoughts, into games, books. Other worlds.
-Into dreams.
-But they're not other worlds.
-Why not?
-They're all inside the world.
-Mm. Maybe.
-You know, if you are out of key, I'd bet it's because you're flat.
-You're hilarious.

her voice somehow seemed out of tune.

not only was she wearing a digital watch, but it was also upside down.

it was like someone took an anime character and put them in a . or a shoujo character and put them into a shonen. she was violently out of place, I can't tell if she's trying to stand out or if she's just weird. either way she's weird I suppose.

Everything about her seems off. her voice sounds out of tune, her clothes are mismatched, the way she stands is crooked, there's just a slight delay before she smiles. her eyes switch from either being too sleepy or too open. not only is she wearing an old digital watch, but it's also upside down. she's pretty, but she's like a shoujo protagonist placed into a harem manga, or a harem protagonist placed into a shoujo manga- she's violently out of place. I can't tell if she's trying to stand out, or if she's just weird. Either way she'd be weird.

The aviatrim of the unknowing is referenced by and toward the centre of the epigram.
The epigram is not referencial, think of it as, when walking, the head that does not stop with each leg.
The aviatrim is the sonitsism of the centre(the spiral of a pearl) that is the enigram of the self-dietributed visage of and in the entry point of GLASS=ProteinRefractionPoint(PFP-NTP) of centre of(3215.96) in elementarintinarial psycho-physics in end point visage out of self-dietributed singularity(FVT waves-n+x=P/L- 7512856.1354)

my time with scissor group 2017. May. At fifteen years old I was a great fan of Shinsei Kamattechan. I discovered them through, as they were in the "Similiar Artists" section as Midori, who I found through 4chan's /mu/. The Noisy guitar feedback under sweet piano melodies and shoegaze synths appealed to me greatly, so I listened to them effectively all day- throughout school, on my way home, and while using my PC. As a fan of them, I endeavoured to find everything they had ever done, as they had many obscure demo-tracks, live shows and even a film- some quite hard to find at that time- it kept me busy. Primarily I scoured Warosu's /jp/ archive and the /mu/ archive at rebeccablack as well. It was on /jp/ I found in a Shinsei Kamattechan thread a recomendation of a band that had a similiar sound and aesthetic, with 0 replies, a link to the website of Hasami Group. August. On a page of glitched-garbled text and broken links I saw a list of album covers, the links that worked led to an upload site with the album in zip format. I downloaded a couple and went on my way. 6 Aug. I listened to the first song off of Element e.p "決意" and then stopped. 7 Aug. I didn't listen to any Hasami Group. Perhaps I could have gone forever without listening to anything by them ever again, but for whatever reason 8 Aug. 46 plays, 35 off Heart Wire Tapping, 13 off Element e.p. This marked my beginning with the scissor group. That month I would listen to 761 Hasami Group songs, October 806, November 1,641. I downloaded every album off that page and was happy to listen them to death. But the broken links haunted me. The amount of albums I had were less than half of all the Hasami Group albums that had been made. And some of their best songs, which were hosted on the Hasami Group youtube channel, were off those unavailable albums. Through private messaging other listeners of the band on one person responded to me, a japanese user who I'll call Naka for short, who I used google translate to converse with, and he kindly sent me the albums he had, which were about 3 or 4- No one on the whole of had listened to every Hasami Group album. Later on, I in turn would get messaged by a japanese user proposing a trade for one the rare records I had been sent for a limited time album that I hadn't seen anyone ever listen to before, it wasn't even on the hasami group site. To thank Naka who responded to my message, I sent him it. He proceeded to upload a link to the album on the hasami group 2ch thread, a 24hour link that would no longer be usable after the time limit ended. It seems perhaps him like me had grown slightly coveted of these rare albums from the Hasami group discography. I knew about an old vlogger known by Noriko, who called herself a hikikomori, a term I also thought applied to myself, even thoug both her and I were schoolgoers at the time. You could say I had a bit of a crush on her. In a /r9k/ thread about her a user posted a link to her current channel and I was curious. What I found there incenced me to infinite degrees. She had been uploading songs from Hasami Group to her channel, and amassing them views in the couple thousand, among her followers. Upon seeing this I left a comment on one of her video, which thankfuly I saved. // Epic, so not only do I have to find out that the artist behind classic videos such as "Mental illness takes it's toll!", "SORE THROAT KYUN" and "AMV" grew up to be a normalfag whore I also have to find out that she's been raping my all time favourite band by reuploading their music to jewtube for her greasy underageb& normalfag r9k beta orbiters to listen to and infect with aids. Wow, you're taste in music is so cool and obscure, it's not like anyone can just go into a jp music thread or stalk someones page leech off of their hard work and turn around to show off to your friends on the big discord hangout, HEY DUDE You hear about this cool underground japanese rock music? btw you coming to the party on saturday babe, gonna be smoking hella weed drugs alcohol drugs money sex boyfriend get a job buy house husband feel good hedonism no shame sweety : ) I'm gonna put a fucking bullet through my skull but before I do I'm finding you and I'm gonna Junko Furuta your ass. Watch your back. // She responded with the word "Was?" This confused me for a while until I found out Was? means What? in german, and she was very into german military stuff. After this, she added me to friends on steam and messaged me twitter, where we quickly became friendly. We talked about hasami group, and other things. I'll talk briefly about my life at this time. While I had friends in the first year of secondary school, as the years went by I lost more and more of them, which was really my own fault as I had distanced myself from my best friend of primary school because he was a victim of bullying, and I didn't want to also be, so I abandoned him and made friends among the people who ridiculed him. I got what I deserved by the time my school-life ended, in my last year I was essentialy treated like he was, he had left school about a year before I dropped out, and maybe I took his place. I would drop out at the beginning of 6th year, but this is 4th year. 4th year, despite having no friends both online and offline, was quite good as many of the days of the week were half the standard lenth, and one day of the week was completely free, because during that off-time 4th year's were supposed to be working a part-time job, which I never did, and none of the teachers cared enough to get me to. So I had lots and lots of free time. Noriko became my only friend in this time, and I was ecstatic to talk with her, and those were good days. But all good things end as they say, and we drifted apart. She deleted her twitter account as hordes of people from /r9k/ found out about it somehow, it's possible she thought it was me who leaked it as early on she asked me not to make it public. Whatever the case, relationships are sad and it might be better for them to die after a time. But at this time I was very lonely, as I once again had no friends. I was 16 now, and was continuing to be an obsessive Hasami Group fan. A user named p*** p****** added me on steam, and he spoke to me as if I was an old friend from long ago. After some time goes by it becomes clear that he really believes me to be an old friend from long ago, and so I tell him he's confused me with someone else. He apologises, he saw my on Noriko's friend list and thought he knew me, he says he feels nostalgic about old times with Noriko and others around her. I tell him I also feel nostalgic about those days, even though I wasn't there and only know them by old videos and dead accounts. He says he admires how forward I am about my feelings, and we say goodbye amiably. It was after becoming friends with Noriko, I decided to adopt a creed, and that creed was to always be completely direct and honest with people, and by that way I may make an impression on them and we may become friends. This creed is what I employed with p*****, and it seemed to prove the hypothesis. We became great friends, and the greatest days of my life were playing videogames and watching anime with him. I talked with him more than I had ever talked with anyone. He lived in america, and I in europe, so I would stay awake all night talking with him, and then sleep throughout the school day. Teachers had in the past admonished me for sleeping through class, but it was around this time that the teachers started to not care about me, and later would even treat me poorly like the students did. These were my halcyon days, but all good things as they say. There may be an invisible force that draws people towards eachother, a string of unlikely coincidences took place that made it seem like my fate was written in the stars, but that invisible force also pushed me away from them, and I am resigned to live with my memories and nothing else. It was in those days I could truthfuly say I had a favorite band.

it's not the shadow of a thing, it's not the shadow of a shadow, it's a sentence half-uttered, a breif grunt before cutting off, endless elipses, it's an empty contour, an un-utterance.

-I literally always have something better to do than talk with you. You're consciousness is all encompassing right? You're the centre of literally everything, right? The light of the world beams out your eyes, and your ears, right? But I couldn't care less. So what does that mean? Well, you'll never step foot outside yourself, and that's fine, but don't come near me, because you're disgusting, and you disgust me. Thanks.

Like that she walked off. I wasn't looking at her hair, as the wind- as it floated on the air and swayed away. I wasn't looking at her socks, not the one that came up to the back of her knee creaselessly, nor the one that didn't. I wasn't looking at all, it was her chest, I could still see it, because I wanted to see it, I enjoyed looking at it, I wanted to look at it more, so I did, there was no need to call her, and make her turn. I could see it just fine.

Well, I use the past tense, but really I'm still standing here. I'd better start walking to class.

My shirt's tag is scratching my neck. It's like an itch, but it's more like sandpaper. I'd cut it off, but I won't. I don't have a reason, I just won't. But still, it's bothering me. At least it's a bother that I can grasp, and point to. If I cut the tag off, my attention would be brought to something else, something unfixable, then what would I do? I'll let the tag scratch me, so I can say "I'll cut it off!" Then I can walk merilly, knowing the scratching is soon to be ceased. The day of lilacs is coming! Heaven, I suppose. My shoes hurt. I won't buy new ones, I'll be happy to take them off in class, and I'll feign interest in the teacher's ass, but really I'm paying close attention to the disgust of my fellow students. I know they'll be able to smell my socks, as these socks, hold on... Lo, ye lowly! Plug every orifice for naught, extinguish your existence for naught! You can not escape my illimitable musk! That seeping pink faced maiden you hide in your bloomers, I know it's destiny... You know it's density... It's dense... Or something... Of course I won't do that, I'm scared of people. They're scared of me too. Why else would they try so hard to get me to kill myself? It's the most logical conclusion, the most razor sharp conclusion! Occam...

The nice thing about the seat in the corner of the room is there won't be anyone sitting ontop the desk, chatting with their friend and spilling food everywhere. It's a bit dusty, smells a bit like piss, but that just makes it all the more fitting for me. Now, to continue my studies...

What is it about the japanese that lets them draw such beautiful maidens? It's like they and they alone recieved a gift from some god of femininity, one the rest of us mortal races were deprived. There are some western artists that manage to emulate their style, but the majority of western attempts at the "Anime" aesthetic incites revoltion. And all the emulators can do is just that, emulate, not innovate... It must be something in their race, or culture. Could it be all the sea-food they eat? I've heard fish have some vitamins in them, maybe it's something that improves visual imagination, or hand eye coordination... It seems obvious that the reason they omitt noses, or depict them minimilistically is because the japanese, compared to westerners, have much shorter and smaller noses. The way anime depicts noses is actually a huge turn off for some westerners, so it seems that to us the nose is a lot more important. But the nose is just one small part of the anime girl. You can trace the big eyes to baby animals, the hair color to fashion or something, but all of these feel like distractions from the main point. What could it be... Now is the time for my grand theory to be put into action.

What is the defining attribute of the Japanese people? Apart from suicide, the number one joke made by westerners is thus: The narrowness of their eyes! No japanese schoolkid abroad has gone without many pale blondhaired rascals running up to them and pushing the corners of their own eyes apart. Could this be...? I see!, with my eyes narrowed like this, all forms become blurred, and less sharp. But this has the effect of making the broad shapes easier to understand. The hole beginners fall into when trying to learn art, is without fail the dreaded Symbol Drawing, where they instead of objectively seeing the face, they see what they imagine the face to look like. But when squinting like this, it's impossible not to see the world for how it is! You can't get lost in the details, if the details aren't even there! I now see the faults in my pure maiden's visage, the proportions of her face are all wrong, her eyes are too close together, her forehead is too short, her neck too wide! Silly girl, All of these things I was blind to before, are now revealed to me clearly...

My theory is not yet proven though, results are what is needed. I can feel my throat closing, my sweat interacting with my shirt making me itch. This is my last hope, to achieve my dreams of creating loli nakadashi doujinshi... If this doesn't work I... I...

-The only Holocaust is what the jews are doing to the germans RIGHT NOW!

-You're kidding. You must be kidding.

-Yeah, I'm just kidding, but I was serious about the "Kill all the scientists" thing. Intelligent people are just more likely to bring evil into the world, more than idiots. Intelligent people are also able to bring more good into the world, but it's scewed way in the favor of evil. It's easier to commit evil than good in the world. Maybe smart people were more likely to do good when humanity believed in religion, but eventually with "science" and "rationality" the intelligent were able to eschew that pesky "morality" and were able to replace it with "facts", so now the intelligent people of the world commit almost nothing but evil, all of the evil in the world is being done by smart people, and then they point to groups of common people and pit us against eachother. Sure, there are good smart people, moral smart people, but that's not the point. Intelligence invariably brings harm. In just the pursuit of knowledge, you bring about powerful forces into the world. And the scales always tip in favor of evil. It's always uphill, and we all get tired eventually.

There's a reason why there have been mass killings of intellectuals before, and why today "anti-intellectual" is thrown around to mean "violent dangerous heretic". it's because all of the evil from the world comes from smart people, and so they've pointed invisible body-less fingers making it seem like all the harm comes from stupid people, movies like idiocrasy, the "anti-v*x" obsession, it's all coordinated psy-op from the intelligent class to deflect from themselves. Everyone looks after their own interests after all, I think it's about time we stupid start looking out for ours. Well, extinction isn't too far away, so you could say they won and lost.

-Don't you think you're taking this a bit far?

All the proof you need of this is to look at the word anti-intellectual! Look at how the word idiot is used as an insult. Today the worlds #1 enemy is discrimination, you can't call so and so n*gger, or cripple, why? Because these are aspects of themselves they are not in control of, you should only insult people for the things they can choose about themselves! Then WHY IS IDIOT AN INSULT? WHY DO THEY THROW THAT WORD AROUND TO SHAME AND ADMONISH? It's agreed that IQ is genetic, that you can't increase your IQ! But, oh! Idiot's are retarded, they're dumbassses, nimrods! THEY DONT DESERVE HUMAN RIGHTS. This is the "Morality" set up by the intelligentsia. And what have they got coming their way for this? "Oh, you're so clever! How wise! Genius!"... Compliments for their villainy! They've got the whole world flipped upside down! People might as well be drinking bread and eating water! And now I point my finger at the traitors! The MIDWITS! You would think they would take our side!, help out the little guy- After all, the intelligent don't have the Midwit's best interests in mind- BUT NO! The midwits suck up to them, remembering bits of trivia, pretending to understand Wittgenstein! The midwits betrayed us, maybe they were fooled as well... In any case, this has to change. This law, the worship of logic, of brains, it's not a constant. It hasn't always been like this, history books teach a "progression of humanity" to make it seem like in the fiery days of the Middle-Ages, everything was terrible because the intelligent were scorned... Censored... By the church... Then the enlightenment saved us... What a corruption of history... Depression is at an all time high, poverty is at an all time high, degredation of the planet is at an all time high. The world has only suffered for this "enlightenment", I say it was the enlightenment of a corner of the cellar where all the rats were sleeping, and now they're awake, and they're making us all sick...

It's time for the idiots of the world to stand up! Whoever said it was good to be smart? Why do people say smart like it's a compliment? Smart people made the nuclear bomb!, the Gun!, TNT! Smart people run cults!, they run

dictatorships!, They spy on you over the internet!, when has an idiot done any of these thing?! It's time to hold our heads high!, if homosexuals can be proud, if father's can be proud, if parapalegics, coma-patients, schizophrenics, and women can all be proud, Then so can we! It's a new dawn for retards! NO!, I can't do that math problem!, NO!, I can NOT get good grades unless I STUDY really hard and, NO!, I can not study!!! We must go back! To the days of dullards!

-You done with your Anarcho-Primitivist rant?

-I'm not a Ted Kazynsky-ite, but it's clear we've messed up. Human being have been on the planet for hundreds of thousands of years, and within just a few centuries of civilization we've caused an apocalypse.

-Are you sure this anti-intelligence rhetoric isn't just a way to feel better about your inadaquecy?


-You know Cellie, I would've expected you to be smart, I mean, the way you dress, and the glasses.

-I'm happy to say you were mistaken.

-You know, they say god must love simple people, that's why he made so many of them.

-Then god's a good guy in my books.

-Then you'll come with me to choir this weekend?

-Er, I- that is- I have uh, an MMO raid for the weekend, so... Sorry.

-I'll get you eventually.

-Sorry, it's just not my bag.

Epilogue. I was looking at old pictures and recordings of my parents, with me running around at their feet. I don't like how young they looked. I didn't think they looked old before, but now I know just how much they've changed. It's guilt, is why it feels so bad. I'm closer to their age in those pictures than they are, but I'm nothing like the people they were. I'm more like the kid at their feet, except he seems to be smiling more. And his innocence isn't lost. I feel like I ruined their lives. I'm the thing that put the lines on their faces, and the grey in their hair. Sure I brought them some happiness for the first decade or so, but all that has been outweighed by the worrying, pity, sadness that defines my present case. It would've been better if I wasn't born, but it's too late for that.

if you made it all the way through that, you probably don't minda bit of offensive humor, here is my imageboard screencap collection:

from 2016 onward are mostly screencaps i took myself, and they mean a great deal to me, some are beautiful pieces of writing and some are jewish conspiracies, as it is on imageboards...